*Jump Masters! is not a collectible card game (or a collectible game at all, for that matter), despite the fact that, if you’re here, you likely have a collectible promo card sitting in front of you at this very moment. These promo cards do not offer any additional gameplay value, they are just really shiny and cool. We think cool and shiny things are…pretty cool…so we’ve decided to make these promos collectible and randomly include them in all sorts of Chip Theory orders. This is not the first step toward a CCCG (Collectible Cool Card Game) but it is a CCC (Collection of Cool Cards). It is also not the first step toward a CDG (Collectible Dice Game) but it is being promoted by CTG (Chip Theory Games). Ultimately, it’s just some cool and shiny promo cards, okay? Please do not submit a ticket asking how to get a complete set of these promo cards, because you can’t. Also, no, you cannot purchase packs of the promo cards separately. Also, do not eat Jump Masters! cards. On the one hand, it's understandable: the punchiness of the game's title sounds rather delicious as it rolls off the tongue. Jump. Masters. Jolly. Ranchers. Mmmf. But don't do it, though. These cards are PVC, they're not even paper! Digesting trees is one thing, but polyvinyl chloride?! That's a synthetic plastic polymer made from the polymerization of vinyl chloride monomers! Not advisable to put in the belly! Although, come to think of it, a small number of the promo cards are actually made of dual-layered cardboard. And an even smaller number of the promo cards are made of metal. Still, if it's me, I'm not eating 'em. Though, strangely, metal inside your body is essential to human life. Iron. Zinc. Magnesium. Copper. Calcium! Calcium is a metal. Did you know that? I always thought calcium was just bones. And I think I have enough of those, too many in fact. And furthermore, everyone's always all "make sure you buy the multivitamins with iron in them! Do you feel chronically tired? Eat some iron!" And isn't it ironic? Consider for a second, an iron sword through your belly. Lethal. But! Iron in your belly? People pay $25 for a 60 day supply! Outrageous pricing for basically a safer way to ingest a sword! Buuuut, you just gotta do it! Gotta do it... Hey - please be advised that Jump Masters! promo cards should not be used as actual jumping implements. They cannot reliably support human weight. The name is merely suggestive of the gameplay mechanics you'll experience while playing. Although... stacking a significant amount of them together would actually result in an incredibly stable structure if you could somehow prevent the slippage of cards. Have you ever seen those videos of high-powered rifles shooting through various objects and materials? It turns out that densely packed pages in a book are actually quite effective at stopping bullets. Stacks of Jump Master! cards are kind of like books in this way! Good luck collecting enough of these to stop a bullet, though. No, really! Good luck! Additionally, the term "Masters" in Jump Masters! does not imply that playing this game will result in the mastery of any meaningful real-world skills. Any correlation between gameplay success and real-life achievement is entirely coincidental and quite surprising to us, actually. These are not for resale... cause how can you sell your achievements? Strictly for fun... the cards I mean. If we see these cards listed on eBay, here's what's going to happen: we're going to buy them all back. And while, sure, you may be rewarded with a shortsighted financial gain, we will be rewarded with the deeply personal satisfaction of dashing the hopes and dreams of those individuals who would seek to greedily gobble these up like some kind of fetid, squealing piggy and attempt to assemble them into a "complete collection." It's these very "gotta have it all" consumer dynamics that are ultimately eroding customers' goodwill in our industry. FOMO is ruining this industry! Can't you just enjoy a promo card without needing to have every single numbered and incredibly rare card that we've ever printed?! What foul, insatiable lust of man has overcome and dominated your will? Can't you bear to spend one single moment in time, comfortable in the complete and utter silence of your own mind, without needing to fill that desecrated void with the comically fleeting dopamine rush of collectible games or the crushing weight of the world's ceaseless problems algorithmically drip-fed to you through a backlit screen while your finger limply doomscrolls? Might you merely look at this card in front of you and simply enjoy it? Alone? Forever?
