Fiction Friday: Daelore Delts
Gearloc Council archivist note: The following is a transcription of a suspicious product advertisement that was shown in various population centers around Daelore. Recovered in a GC Authority raid, the transcription appears to have been made as part of an attempt to create a comprehensive record of Gearloc activity over the last five years, with the potential purpose of exposing hidden “connections” between various Gearloc-related happenings in the region.
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Hello out there to all you beautiful people of Daelore! Whether you’re Gearloc or goblin, owlbear or orc, please listen to what I’m about to say! I have the perfect solution to your winter weakness, your “aw shucks” autumn, right here.
You can call me the sculpted guru. Some might know me as the horrific creation of a secret series of underground labs, allegedly run by a litigious Gearloc Council elder who shall remain nameless. Those unfortunate souls who know me as such might say that I’m a twisted aberration, the stitched-up combination of a clay golem and a goblin guru forced to walk this world in misery, a pitiable creature whose existence should be but one of the many crimes charged against his creator.
To those people, I say this: How rude! And totally unfounded, and not legally actionable! I would never say those things, and I would certainly never tell you, “Please help, I’m being made to do this under duress!”
To the rest of you, I urge you to look closer. Examine, if you will, my biceps, abdominals, and deltoids. Observe my powerful pecs and my quintessential quads! What is easier to believe: that I was well and truly “sculpted” by the malleable skin of a golem, or that I created this look on my own, through hard work, protein shakes, and sweat?
Obviously, it’s the latter… but what if I told you that achieving this look isn’t so difficult after all? All you need is the right tool, and I’m here today to show you what you’ve been missing.
Allow me to introduce Trollflex, by Grint Enterprises! As anyone in Daelore knows, trolls are the most toned and defined creatures in the land, and Trollflex’s patented technology applies trolls’ fitness secrets to all creatures and body types.
Trollflex can adjust quickly and easily to several forms of workout without complex equipment changes. It all centers around what Grint Enterprises calls the Bludgeonator, a facsimile of a real troll Thunderclub adjusted to your personalized fitness routine.
Want to work on your vertical lift? Just hoist the Bludgeonator over your head. Looking for an unparalleled core? Simply affix the Bludgeonator to your chest and then perform as many sit-ups as your heart will allow. Need to feel the burn on your arms? All you need do is swing the Bludgeonator back and forth in Trollflex’s HeadBanger routine, targeting Grint Enterprises’ patented SimulaSkulls on either side of your body (SimulaSkulls sold separately).
Don’t miss out on this fabulous offer before Trollflex is all gone. It’s available now for 250 gold pieces, or six easy monthly payments of 74.99! To place an order, simply send your first payment to:
Grint Enterprises c/o Rob
Trollflex Offer
8675309 Grint St.
Obendar, Daelore
31346
There’s never been a better time to make Trollflex part of your daily fitness regimen. As we always say at Grint Enterprises, why look for health buffs when you can just be buff? Order Trollflex today!
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Sculpted Guru
Stats: 5 Pt baddie, 4 Ini, 2 Atk, 2 Def, 6 HP, melee
Skills: Break, Decoy 2
Game: Too Many Bones: Splice & Dice
